The process we went through to decide on having children was enormous and often overwhelming. It made me wonder whether or not having this modern ability to plan a pregnancy (or avoid one) brings with it a burden of heavy, heady decision. I don’t take the responsibility of creating a human as anything other than monumental, which to me is all the more reason why carefully examining my life and abilities was essential to the process. I was also working from a place of ambivalence – I didn’t have the gut feeling to guide my choice. So many women have said they knew all their lives that they would be a mother. Just getting beyond being different from most other women in this area was a challenge to my sense of femininity.
My husband and I are two thirtysomething urbanites who have invested the last ten years in professional development and success. I agreed to marry him only after revealing that I made no promises in regards to future children. Fortunately, he was in the same place on the subject, at the time.
Over the course of our marriage, he went through professional school while I gave up my acting aspirations for work that was more predictable, lucrative, sane. So here I am; after years of working to raise myself, I finally arrived at place of self-assuredness. I have gained enough perspective to consider the idea of having a family of my own.
We volleyed positions on kids for some time and eventually took a “workshop” together for people who felt ambivalent on the question of whether or not to choose children. I had never come across anything like this. Our discussion had been strictly personal, in part because it is a private decision but also because it is difficult to know how to talk with child free couples without the possibility of offending or upsetting them. Reasons that could range from infertility to fear of passing on a hereditary disease are not exactly cocktail conversation. After all, most people don’t talk about the reasons they don’t have kids. It seems parents are the yappers who always feel free to tell you how great being a parent is. (Have you ever had someone tell you it’s not all it’s cracked up to be? If so, count your experience a balanced one and write to tell me about it.) So this workshop was an opportunity for guided conversation with mostly couples in the same situation we were in. Sounded refreshing.
The class was held for four hours on a raining spring Sunday afternoon. Moderated by a social worker/counselor, we met twenty-five others trying to answer the big question. This was fascinating. We were not only the youngest couple, but also the longest together. There were 3 singles there trying to decide whether or not to become single parents. [I know I don’t have a fraction of the courage I think it must take to do that.]
In listening, ambivalence seemed to grow out of a variety of issues; concerns about over-population and the ecological impact of another human, a desire to continue the lifestyle they enjoyed being child-free, economic considerations including how one affords to give a good, well educated life to a child, affect on one’s professional trajectory for both men and women, fears of safety related to crime and terrorism, stresses from caring for ailing parents, and as one might suspect, not wanting to repeat unhappy and in some cases tragic experiences of childhood. What much of it came down to for me was, do I want this enough to bear the undeniable trials every parent faces at some point. Being a motherless daughter, I not only doubted my ability to mother when I hadn’t been, but I questioned whether again, I wanted to feel that deeply about another human being.
It was a great relief to be able to have very frank conversation with strangers in a similar head space and know that we would likely never see them again. It raised concepts and practicalities that we may have overlooked or perhaps hadn’t quite gotten to yet, but more than anything, knowing we weren’t the only ones searching for some sign to point us toward the right path was empowering. Beyond the workshop, I read Maybe Baby which I would recommend to anyone sorting through their feelings of ambivalence.
So that was roughly a year ago. We have grown much closer since. Peripheral family circumstances have realigned our priorities while age has sweetened our experiences with other people’s kids. Our nieces and nephews have become little people instead of unpredictable babies and wild toddlers. It is important to know that my husband had an idyllic childhood, but he is alarmed at the increase of childhood diseases and developmental challenges. That has helped shape his view of family life, and the commitment that being a parent requires. I am profoundly moved by his deeper understanding of that and his whole hearted acceptance of that possibility as we embark on creating our family.
We decided in the fall of ’06 that we would like to have a family. Probably two kids, or maybe just one. Now we join the countless others who are planning pregnancies and “trying.” We’re two people, committed to as natural and holistic a life as possible, creating one new life from two.
For those of you who celebrate, enjoy Mother’s Day. It is a day for me to honor my mother by daring to feel deeply and remembering all she gave me. Who knows? Maybe next year, I’ll be able to celebrate my own coming motherhood.
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